I feel like at the age of 18, who you are as a person is pretty set in stone.
of course, maturing is still in lots of order.
but as for how you look at the world,
your habits, and beliefs. Your bad characteristics,
and i would hope all your good ones too, will
most likely carry along with you, just as they are,
for the remainder of your time here.
tonight, i was laying there and realized,
that i have just one short year until then.
i have just one short year to figure out where
i want to be when the time rolls around.
i have one. short. year. to be okay with who i am, set in stone.
i have so much to do, so much work, so much praying and building.
god, give me the strength to do it, because i cant do it alone.
August 2010
Ive gotten stronger,
but i still have a weakness for this song.
Its funny how i play out movie scenario fights with you in my head,
its all that i can think about.
sometimes i worry, that maybe im crazy
but it feels almost good to let out even the
tiniest fraction of whats gone unsaid.
how i loved you more than i could ever love anything else.
how you never cared about me, you just needed something from me.
how ive never wanted anything more than to just have you.
and how i soon learned ive actually never wanted anything
more than to get you out of my head, my heart and my life.
i really wish youd stop asking me for your stupid fucking jacket.
i really wish youd just give me my shit back so i wouldnt have
anything linking us anymore.
and i really wish youd stop texting me just because you need something from me,
even if that means you never talk to me again.
you never could give me that, a clean break.
you made everything messy.
looking back, you never really could give me anything i needed.
you took all of it, over and over and over, without so much as a sorry.
i dont understand how I could love someone so vapid and wretched…
THIS much.
Its 3:30, which is a start in the right direction.
i looked for my journal, and couldnt find it inside my dark, cold room.
i needed to write, so here goes.
I have all these ideas jumping around in my head.
i have so many things i want, goals and such.
I want to re-paint my room
I want to do good in school this year, finally.
I want to meet new people
I want to save money, and get a new car
I want to find my internal clock for the first time in my life
I want you to stop crossing my mind
I want to find someone who makes me happy
I want new clothes
I want senior pictures
I want to be close to you again
I want to tell you how much knowing you has meant to me
I want to get involved in my church
I want to get involved in my realtionship with god again
I want to feel good about myself
I want to start running
I want to get in shape
I want to enjoy whats left of my last summer
I want to reach the point where i can enjoy my last year of Highschool
I want to mail in a post secret
I want to quit smoking
I want to feel independent and strong again
I want to feel fresh, and happy
I want to learn more patience
I want to be responsible
but right now, all I want is sleep.