I cant stop thinking about what you said at dinner tonight.
I guess I’ve wanted so badly to believe it isn’t true, that hearing the words roll off your tongue so quickly, so steadily and so easily hit me like a brick wall moving at Mach 4.
Its not that I didn’t know this was coming, of course this was all inevitable. But unlike the advice given to me countless times, I have refused to believe you when you’ve told me who you are.
I have an often self destructive tendency to see not what is, but what COULD be. I have not long enough left to live to tell you of all the times this optimistic quality in myself has been to my own peril, but I digress.
Since August this feeling of uncertainty has been painfully unnerving. Not an hour passes that I don’t think of it. And your infuriatingly steadfast refusal to talk about it has left me to battle this absolutely alone. I’ve been suffocating, desolate. Drowning my days, nights and dreams with every possible outcome and the innumerable what if’s.
I frequently battled naming what It was I was actually fighting. Was it just fear of the unknown? weakness? lack of control? Some days I felt it so deeply, and others I was entirely apathetic. All the while internalizing an impossible feat for myself alone.
At first (and frequently throughout these past 6 months) it was simple anger. How could you ask this of me?
It quickly turned into guilt. I have to go, I OWE it to him. I love him, and he’s worked so hard for this. I cant stand in his way, he’s been so good to me. Maybe this could work, you simply jumped to a conclusion too quickly Krista.
Next came some clarity, followed by pain. I realized that it wasn’t about us. You weren’t planning for my future much less OURS. You had asked if I wanted to join in on YOUR future. It didn’t mean it was best for us, didn’t matter if it was the right thing for me. Who cares if I’m leaving my home, my family, my support system for a mediocre life with you in a strange place with no real opportunity for me and no one. You’ll get someone to make you feel special, cook you dinner, make your bed and Hey! you may even get lucky after shes done it all.
For months I’ve wondered how you could put this on my shoulders and not once offer a helping hand. But you’ve been telling me over and over and over and over again how fucking selfish you are.
This was never mine to own, but it didn’t matter the shit storm of turmoil you’ve kicked up in my already insatiably restless mind, it didn’t affect you.
And then something occurred to me.
You never actually asked me to move to California with you, not really.
My big mouthed roommate almost instantly let the cat out of the bag, not you. You wanted to wait and see if “we were still going strong”.
I finally realized that it’s entirely possible you were never going to ask. That I’ve been an option this entire time, that I may have become a person you wouldn’t have wanted to include in your plans anyways.
I feel more at peace with each of these frequent, and slightly painful, divorces. But just so you know, this process has been excruciating. What I want, what I NEED, is someone who gives a shit. That’s clearly not you.